The gang bumbles around and does things


To start our day’s adventuring, the group takes a look at our guide, Lockerbee, and is forced to remark the he looks wholly like ass; more ass than man, even. We reel back in horror at his grotesque nature, but are forced to follow him into a room filled with the bones of laborers, likely some of the very kidnapped men whom we are tasked with sorting out the disappearance of. After rifling through their earthly possessions, we find and split evenly a pearl, 16g, and an everlit torch.

So as not to waste the day, we sally forth to a large room with stairs coming down from its four sides and water filling its corners. Lockerbee warns that we ought be quiet as an eel watches us from afar. Uimpressed with Nigel’s inability to be stealthy, Lockerbee asks that he wait at an edge of the room while many of the group go up a winding walkway to a balcony, below which three blue people are heard speaking in under-common. These men, our horrific and bony guide informs us, are the targets that we must slay in exchange for his help. Knowing only that we’ve made an oath and that we will do what we can to close out our deal with the monster/sherpa, we retreat and make a plan. It’s decided that akin to a circus troupe, we will repel, jump, and otherwise impressively rappel down the balcony and take our to-be victims by surprise. In an act of heroism and with a flair of drama, Knarra near-tumbles across the balcony and opts to confront the blue-devils as loudly and directly as she is able. They flee in terror as we tumble, fumble, and eventually give chase.

As we are too busy looking awesome in our mass descension from the balcony, no one bothers looking for which way we need to pursue and opt to break down the first door that we see as our best path to success. Bursting through the door, we surprise one of the blue humanoids and are surprised to find a vile abomination with it, a mishmash of creatures combined into a terrifying form, the likes of which we can only compare to the atrocious creature Lockerbee. We demand that they surrender and without response, nor the time to deliver it, opt to rain down fire and brimstone unto them (including, but not limited to a KICKASS ACID DART FROM KNARA. Said dart pierces the air like lightning through the sky, accurate like a drunkard coercing a shot glass.). The room’s air can be cut with a butter knife, so thick it is with astonishment, amazement, and abject horror from the creature reeling after its impact. The opponent’s minutes are numbered and pain is visible from its sorry blue face. The beasts continue to take blow after blow from our crusaders and Knarra, with the focus of a scholar and the cunning of a master haberdasher, conjures and unleashes a whip of spiders in a fit of rage. The entire crew quivers in fear and awe at her mastery of magic and the furor from which she unleashes her mighty rage. Then she gets a little confused, it’s windy and the sun is in her eyes, and something is poking her, and the spiders don’t do much. But it’s really fucking cool, nonetheless. Everyone thinks that she’s great. The mayor will surely present her a key to the city upon our return home, and a parade likely thrown in her honor. What a badass. The creature unceremoniously dies.

Before being able to kill the second of the enemies before us, but after murdering the first where it stands, we are surprised to find Fenster running towards us in the outer room and dimming the space via a magic rock, tossed by a broccoli’d compatriot a few steps in tow. Half of our crew is embroiled in battle and half entangled in the situation unraveling in the greater room before them. Lester seduces Fenster to sleep, to keep from injuring whom he presumes is not of his right mind. Nigel selflessly runs into the darkness and masterfully executes a mildly-inconveniencing attack from his (mighty) crossbow unto the vegetable-beast. Knarra thinks the occasion calls for empowering a tooth with the gift of light and tosses it down a staircase, possibly in an act of intimidation to the foes in front of her or possibly due to wild ineptitude in her throw. So tense is the moment that no one notices or thinks twice of the action.

Kevin kills the golem in the room, deciding that the time was finally here to do something productive. After a cry of “Hooray, we did something!” the group takes about thirty rounds to kill Broccolicious and his friend, who have since woken up Fenster and negated the last useful thing that Lester ever did for anyone. In our opponent’s final throws and in an attempt to once again be helpful, Lester knocks out Kevin instead of Broccoli and his friend. Were a studio audience present, they surely would have reveled in the moment. Nigel is forced to throw his most trusted flask at the axe-beak to wake it before it is murdered in cold blood. The flask flies true and Kevin regains consciousness. With his compatriots dead and dying, Broccoli makes a run for it and Kenzo grapples it successfully. After trying to coerce information from her, Queck tears the vegetable asunder and laughs maniacally. As evidence of our success and to steal some of Knarra’s spotlight in her parade, Lester stabilizes the leafy green, bounds it, and carries it off, slung over his shoulder.

The battle now complete and in a peculiar attempt to punch Fester (now regaining consciousness) in the face, Queck settles for vomiting on his feet. He is perturbed but appears not to mind. We decide to chase after Knarra’s light-tooth and find that it leads to an entrance to the underworld. After a collective “fuck that noise,” the group opts out of investigating it further and meanders to a laboratory that appears to have been used to perform experiments on those who were kidnapped from the town. Inside of a chest Knarra finds elixirs and alchemy ingredients that she begrudgingly tells the group about after a thwarted attempt at hoarding them all for herself. She is giddy. At the end of a corridor we find jail cells and people who are incapacitated. They’re unresponsive to our presence and we move on because we HAVE NO TIME.

Down a set of stairs we find another lab and are promptly bombed by a woman inside it. She’s the first adversary that we’ve seen who doesn’t look insane and/or utterly disgusting. We think back to Lockerbee’s grotesque visage and quiver. Many of us choke on our own vomit at the image of it. With our enemy are two winged beasts that promptly bite Thark before he has even realized that he has been directly hit with the normal looking woman’s grenade.

The woman quickly consumes a potion while being flanked and stuns our motley crew by turning herself invisible. She is the wind and the darkness, a creak and a murmor; a formidable opponent. Nigel is a burgler in that darkness and wakes up Knarra, who has taken to the hobby of napping mid-battle. She comes to, stands up, and is promptly shot in the back of the head via Nigel’s near-perfect aim. As she bleeds out, the group is disappointed by the damage done, but impressed with his acute shot. He apologizes for the inconvenience; she likely doesn’t notice.

The attacker-in-chief attempts a finishing strike to Knarra and is stopped in her place by Thark and Queck, who delivers blow after blow when the enemy tries to sneak by them. Nigel shoots her square in the face twice, all the more impressive because she is still invisible. The group does all in their power to refrain from high-fiving each other, given how awesome the battle is progressing. A revived Knarra diamond-dusts the room, blinding the woman and Nigel shoots her in the face one more time, dropping her like a sack of bricks. On her persons we find masterwork leather armor, three flasks of acid, a masterwork hooked spear, a headband of vast intellect +2 (which Knarra took and wouldn’t entertain the idea of sharing), and a keyring with some keys. After fumbling about with the keys in the nearest door, but before pillaging its contents, the group decides to rest. It’s been a long day and everyone is pretty drunk, high, and tired.



I'm sorry, but we no longer support this web browser. Please upgrade your browser or install Chrome or Firefox to enjoy the full functionality of this site.